Missing you

Dear Daddy, 
     We are all missing you and wishing you were here.  I am trying to do my best with all of my responsibilities as a mother of three beautiful children.  They are so precious to me and I know they were to you too.  Here are some of the silly things that have been happening around here.

Carson has decided we need to buy a house in heaven so we can come visit.  He was wondering if any are for sale up there?  When we were driving home from school today, he truly was serious about buying a house in heaven.  He wants to learn to fly so he can come and visit you.  Carson is doing well in school.  He hates handwriting but has at least agreed to sit with the other kids and attempt to complete all the stations.  He actually naps at school.  Can you believe our boy who has refused to nap for almost 2 years is one of the first ones to fall asleep each day.  He talks about his friends, he must have a thing for girls, he loves to play with the girls and is especially fond of a little girl named Mckenzie (Bakenzie). 

Madison is doing so well in school.  I went to her parent teacher conference last week and was surprised how well she is doing.  She loves school.  Tonight she read me five books, 2 times each.  They were books they made at school but she was able tor read them all herself.  She wrote her numbers from 1 to 121 yesterday without any mistakes.  She can count to 100 by ones, fives, and tens.  She can add small numbers together and can write and spell so many words.  I don't know how many but I know it is huge.  She almost knows all 35 of her sight words. 

Jackson is the same old boy: busy, adorable, lovable and silly.  He idolized his older brother and copies everything he does.  He copies the way he walks, he copies what he is saying, the way he lays down to watch a movie.  He counted to five tonight in the bathtub.  He is singing the alphabet song and loves to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  He is growing up so fast and has such a wonderful spirit about him.

I wish you were here to help us celebrate my birthday tomorrow.  It will be a bittersweet one without you, the first one I am spending without you.  I wish you were here to spoil me with flowers, going out to eat wherever I want, letting me buy whatever I wanted for gifts.  I always stretched out my birthday with you.  There was always so much happiness around my birthday because I truly felt like your princess.  Now I am sad because I am alone and missing you.  I know you would want me to do whatever I want but deep down I just really want the day to be over so I don't have to think about how you aren't here to celebrate and eat cake with me. 

I miss everything about you, I am sure that will never change.  I want so badly just to squeeze you and talk to you just one last time.  There were so many things I would want to tell you, but I will wait until we are together again. 

We miss you all the way down here on Earth. 

Love, Mommy

How much do I miss you?

Dear Scotty,,
     I can not even begin to express how much I miss you tonight.  You have been such a wonderful husband and father to our beautiful children.  I am still waiting to wake up from this horrible dream.  I find I am missing you at the most random times.  I miss you more at night.  I miss our nights when we used to both lay on a couch and watch absolutely nothing on TV.  I miss you finishing my sentences.  I miss you making the bacon for breakfast on Sunday mornings.  I miss your sweet smile and your voice. I miss your blue eyes. I miss you rubbing your feet or tapping your legs constantly.  I miss our conversations about absolutely nothing.  I miss your warm embrace and sweet words.  I miss everything about you. 
     It is November and I can't help but try to find things to be thankful for.  I am thankful for you for showing me unconditional love.  You loved me through all of my crazy bouts, all of my uncontrollable emotions.  You always spoiled me and I ALWAYS got what I wanted.  It never mattered how much something costs or how much I didn't "need" something, you always found a way to take care of it for me.  I am thankful that we had children.  The kids are a living legend of our love.  I am thankful that I have them here to hold and love.  I am thankful for your family.  They have not turned their back on me.  They love me unconditionally as you did.  I am thankful for prayer and for the Gospel.  I know that God has a plan for my life and right now I am struggling to see the beauty in all of it, but I know that someday I will.  I am thankful for you and all you taught me in our marriage. 

This picture was taken exactly one year ago today.  Wow, how much can change in a year.  We miss you.

     Love you, Love Mommy

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,
     I am learning so much at school and wish you were her so I could read books to you.  My love for books and writing has grown since I started Kindergarten. I love writing and use up so much paper each day writing words.  I wrote my numbers to 100 last week all by myself.  I love school.   Today I got an award from the principal at school.  I am now in the ABC club, which means I know all my letters, upper case and lower case and know all of their sounds.  Wish I could show you my award and button that I put on my backpack.  Love you Daddy, miss you.

Love, Madison

  

It is getting rougher

Dear Daddy,
     I thought I was doing better without you, but who am I kidding, I am doing worse.  I miss you so much I can't even explain it.  It has been the longest five weeks of my life, each day just drags on and never seems to fade away.  I wanted to share a few things that have happened this week. 
     Madison was sick with the flu.  I really needed you here for that one, cleaning vomit up at 2:00 am is no feat for a single mother.  She can count and write her numbers to 100.  She loves to write words, but you already knew that.  She is LOVING school and doing well.  She went on her first field trip on the school bus.  They went to our favorite Pumpkin patch, Hillcrest Farms in Reedley.  She got to ride the school bus and said she fell asleep on the bus. 
     Carson is back to loving going to school, well maybe not loving it but not crying when I leave him.  He is getting so grown up.  He loves to spend time alone with me.  Last week we went to John's Incredible Pizza for a lunch date and of course what date isn't complete without a trip to the train store in Clovis.  He went on a field trip today to the pumpkin patch in Madera.  His first real field trip and he hated it.  He was cold and tired and wanted me to hold him the entire two hours. 
     Jack is growing like a weed and talking like crazy.  He is making me so proud to be his mommy.  You would be so proud of how much he has grown since you left us.  He wants to be a big boy.  He doesn't want to sit in the high chair and now eats most of his meals at the big table.  He has been sick with a runny nose for a few days, but seems to be getting better.   Took him to the doctor last week.  I am saddened that the doctor thinks his two front teeth are dead.  He took a good fall, actually 2, after the funeral and really busted up his mouth.  I hope this isn't going to affect his permanent teeth.  I am taking him to the dentist to have them checked out.
     Everyone misses you so much.  We are getting by, but only hanging on by a thread.  I wish you were here to love and hug and hold me.  I have so much sadness in my heart it hurts.  I love you and will post some pictures as soon as I can get a new card reader for the computer.

Love, Mommy

So much has changed

Dear Daddy,
     Can't believe you have been gone a month now.  There have been some really difficult times this last month and some times when the kids and I were able to laugh and enjoy ourselves.  We have learned so much about how important a father is in the house.   That is a job and responsibility that nobody can replace.  We miss you for so many reasons.  We miss you each and every minute.  I even miss you in my sleep.  When I wake up in the middle of the night I think of you and nothing else.  I think about the day we get to be together again.  There is a hole in our hearts and in our home and we are trying to cope with that as much as possible.  I feel guilty if I am enjoying myself and having fun with the kids, I feel like I should be mourning our loss.  I know you would want me to put on a happy face for your sweeties and that I am trying to do each and every day.  Sounds strange I know but it feels good to laugh and it feels good to cry.  I haven't made it a day yet without tears, not sure I will for some time.  You were my world and now I am trying my best to find my way on my own.  There isn't a minute I don't think of you and long for your touch and to hear your voice.  I feel like I have done a good job this month, trying to be strong for our sweet children.  They miss you too.

Love ya sweetie,
Love Steph

A long hard month

Dear Daddy,
     I can't believe this is all happening.  I am still waiting for you to come home.  I am still waiting for another hug and kiss.  I am still waiting for another date or another trip out of town.  I even miss us arguing over little things like the toys being all over the house.  I  miss you so much and am noticing it in all the little things.  I miss that there are no q-tips on the bathroom floor that you thought went into the garbage.  I miss your hair in the sink after you shave.  I miss the underwear and towels on the bathroom floor after a shower.  I miss the dirty dishes in the sink on the days you were home the kids.  I miss the sheets on your side of the bed being off the corner of the mattress from your wild sleep patterns.  I miss you stealing my pillow at night.  I miss yelling at you to turn the loud movies off or to turn off the annoying video games.  Our house is so quiet at night and that is when I miss you the most.  Of all the things I miss I think I miss your voice the most.  It is still in my head and I hope I will never forget it.  I haven't been strong enough to watch home movies yet, but I know your voice is there.  I haven't cancelled your cell phone because I like to listen to your voicemail, all it is is you saying your name, but it is your voice.  I secretly leave you voice mails.  You have given me so much in our marriage and I am eternally grateful.  I just want you here with me.  I MISS YOU. 

I know we will be together again someday, and I look forward to that.

Please keep your eye on our family.  I have been proud how well I am doing with the kids.  They are incredible and keep me smiling and laughing... well last night at 11:30 I wasn't really laughing when Carson kept coming out of his room.  If you were here it would take one sentence "Bubba, I am going to lay with you!" and we wouldn't see him again until morning.  He still doesn't want anyone to lay with him when he goes to bed.  I wish you were here to threaten it so I could go to bed.  I wish you were here to help me get kids pajamas on after baths.  I wish you were here to help get dinner on the table.  I promise I am going to be better about cooking and having real meals as a family, but it has been difficult with the empty chair. 

See you soon Sweetie,
Love Mommy

Fun and exciting week

Dear Daddy,
     We wanted to tell you all the fun and exciting things we have been up to.  We have been keeping our Mommy busy and on her toes.  Here are some fun things we have been doing.

• Jackson loves to sleep with his pumpkin or as he calls it "cunkin".  He usually goes to bed with his Thomas jammies, pumpkin and a pair of shoes on.  He still LOVES shoes.  We were all driving in the car tonight when he yelled out to his sister, "Stop it!!".  He was trying to get her to stop bothering him.  It was too adorable.  He is talking so much and really has grown up a whole lot since the last time you saw him.  
• Carson went back to Preschool this week.  He is back at Harvest Preschool and is doing ok.  He does not like to do stations but is enjoying entertaining the class.  Sheepy is a student as well in the class.
• Madison read her first real book last night all by herself without help.  The book was Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See.  She loves to sit and read it to Jack.  If you were here she would sit and read it to you, but only using her pointer to point to all the words.
• We have been getting ready for Halloween.  Mommy is going to try to take us to the pumpkin patch this weekend.  Madison wants to be Hello Kitty, Carson wants to be SpiderMan and Jackson is going to be the monkey that Carson was last year, or maybe Cookie Monster.  Haven't decided yet.  We have been eating a lot of candy corn and reeses peanut butter cups to get ready for the holiday.  
• Mommy has been buying us so many lunchables and capri suns.  She lets us eat them whenever we want, even if it is for breakfast.  We haven't had too many home cooked meals but are eating ok.  Mommy promised us that she would start cooking, but we are still waiting

We miss you Daddy.  We wish you were here to see and experience all the fun things that are happening right now in our lives.  We want to know, how is Heaven?  Are you enjoying yourself?

Love you, 

Love Madison, Carson and Jackson

Guess what I can do Daddy?

Dear Daddy,
     You will never guess what I learned how to do today?  I am so happy!! I can ride my bike without training wheels.  I know Uncle John promised you when you were in the hospital that he would teach me and today he did.  We went over to the school so I could ride Sam's bike.  I knew what to do.  I didn't fall down and hurt myself.  I can start and stop myself and turn without hurting myself.  I know that I will have some falls but I am so proud of myself and I know you would be proud too.  I can't wait to show Mommy tomorrow.  Wish you were here so I could show you but I know you are watching me from heaven and are proud of me too.  John says he is going to teach Carson next. 

Love you Daddy!
Love, Madison

I miss you

Dear Daddy,
     I still have not made it a day without shedding some tears.  I feel so blessed to have had the priveledge of being your wife for 7 years, 8 months, and 2 weeks.  You have taught me so much about life and love.  I know that because of you and your beautiful family I was changed spiritually.  I now have the Gospel as a huge part of my life, and for that I am grateful.  I know that we will be together again and that Heavenly Father continues to bless me.  Even in these rough times I feel blessings.  I know that everything works for a reason and now looking back I am starting to see those reasons.  I think that we moved into this home (4 doors down from your parents) for a reason.  Heavenly Father put us here so your parents could help me and check up on me and the kids.  I think that we bought my new car for a reason.  Now I have a car that is reliable and dependable, I don't have you here to fix it, so better have a new one.  I think we got a dog for a reason, now the kids have someone else to hug and love.  They love that dog so much I know I can never get rid of him, gotta admit I enjoy him too.  He is the perfect size for a good squeeze and hug.  I am blessed to be the mother of three beautiful and loving children.  They are so funny.  I wish that you were still here.  I miss you so much.  Yesterday when I was driving home from work I realized that would be the first day that you couldn't ask me about my day and my students.  I miss that, I miss us sitting on the couch at night watching TV, or trying something decent to watch.  I never liked watching Castle, but earlier in the week I realized I watched the entire episode and enjoyed it (I didn't know what I was watching until it was over).  That was one of your favorite shows.  I love you and wish you were here.  We are all heart broken and want our Scotty back but we know that you served your mission here on Earth and now are fulfilling a new mission in heaven.

Love ya,
Mommy

I really am a good talker now Daddy

Dear Daddy,

I have been talking like crazy Daddy.  I have learned to say so many new words and phrases recently.  I really am making Mommy proud how fast I am growing up.  She keeps telling me to slow down, but I am trying to keep up with my big brother and sister.  Here are a few of the fun things I am saying and doing now.

• When Mommy asks me where Daddy is I point to the sky and say "sky".
• I am learning my colors.  I point out everything that is red and blue.  
• I can sing the SuperWhy song now.  I love to sing any song and will imitate songs I hear on TV and on the radio.  My favorite is still Tonight Tonight.  I love that song the most.
• I love Mickey Mouse, Goofy and Buzz.  Everytime I see one I have to comment on who it is.
• Every morning when Mommy gets me out of my bed I have to greet her with a "Hello Again Momma".  
• I love to run around following my brother and imitating all the annoying sounds he makes, we are driving Mommy crazy but having fun at the same time.  
• I am talking all the time.  When I am coloring I like to make circles and say "round and round and round"

I wish you were here to hear all the new things I am saying.  I miss you a lot and wish you were here to teach me new things.  Mommy is doing OK.  We are keeping here busy cleaning up all our messes.

Love, Jackson

We made our first trip to Disneyland

Carson's two favorite things right now.. his train pillow and of course who could forget Sheepy.

The monkeys jumping on the bed.  Of course Mommy didn't stop them.

Carson was so excited to see the Monorail.  He was a bit disappointed, or should I say angry that we couldn't ride the monorail the night before Disneyland.

First ride, Carson's pick, Monorail

The crew

Dear Daddy,

I did it, I took the kids to Disneyland.  It was so hard without you.  I missed you extremely.  I missed our sitting and watching people stroll down Main Street.  I missed you being able to help get kids on the rides.  I missed your laughter and silly comments, but most of all I missed my best friend.  The kids and I had fun, we rode a lot of rides and had a lot of treats.  Without you I had to eat the whole cookie from Pooh's bakery.  Carson is big enough now to ride the big rides.  He LOVES splash mountain and Big Thunder Mountain.  I wish you could have seen his laughter and smile during the entire ride.  Disneyland isn't the same without you but I promised you and the kids we would keep making new memories.  As hard as it is to go without you I know you would have wanted us to go and have a good time.  I really wish you could be here with us.  I love you and miss you more than you know.  My heart aches to have you here with me.  See you soon Honey.

Love, Mommy

I had my first soccer game today Daddy

I always seem to have my finger in my mouth.  This may be my new nervous habit, not sure yet.

Here I am stretching for the big game.

Hey Daddy I had my first soccer game today.  I didn't really want to play because I skinned up my knees playing on the playground before but I did play.  I ran a lot and had a lot of fun.  I didn't score any goals but my friends on my team scored a lot.  We won the game.  My Mommy was so proud of me for trying my best.  Wish you could have been here.  Love you.

Love, Madison

It's my birthday Daddy

I am four years old today Daddy.  Mommy took me to breakfast and took me shopping today.  We went to our favorite store, Roy's Trains and Things.  Mommy kept telling me that you wanted me to have a Lionel set to play with.  Mommy didn't think I was big enough but Mommy let me pick out a new train set today.  I LOVE it so much, I love that it puffs real smoke.  I wish you were here to help me play with my new trainset.  We are getting ready to go to Me-n-eds for pizza tonight.  Wish you were here Daddy.  Love you

Love, Carson